The ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ When She Became A Crackhead For Pancakes

The ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ When She Became A Crackhead For Pancakes


(Bell chime jingle) – [Narrator] Sabrina’s
conjuring up breakfast. How about pancakes? Noooooooooooo Hilda and Zelda warned she
must never eat them cakes. She has a genetic pre-witch position to pancake addiction. One bite, she’ll be hooked for life. Sabrina ignores her aunt’s clear cautions and chomps that yummy stacker. She’s fine, no problem. She can put this stuff
down any time she wants. Sabrina corners Harvey, enjoying a casual, standing hallway cake to get a taste. Harvey tells her to scram but Sabrina, a full blown Bisquick fiend hounds him. – I’m not a fiend. – [Narrator] Classic fiend talk. Witch-ney Houston fishes
a half eaten pancake out of the trash to rub it on her gums then attacks a peer in the chance he’s got what she needs. Sabrina is licking Harvey’s
hands for cake juice and shaking like Rick James
at Nino Brown’s funeral. – I’m in the mood for pancakes. Are you holding? – [Narrator] We need to
raise money for prom. Come on now, no bad ideas. – Pancakes. – [Narrator] Okay, maybe some bad ideas. Sabrina, do you mean a
pancake breakfast fundraiser? Sabrina’s beamed up to Mrs.
Butter worth’s mother ship. – Do you have any? – [Narrator] But because
pretty blonde ladies can go crazy and nobody cares, the pancake breakfast is on. Sabrina Downey Jr. Is ransacking
the house for product. Licking ham for the glaze, dumping maple on apples, shaking like Charlie
Sheen on the 4th of July. Salem catches her in the kitchen, whipping up some midnight flap rocks. She’s caught white handed, terrified the school will discover her shameful addiction. Salem offers to help with a syrup potion that makes pancakes
taste like rancid booty. She says thanks by choking
the shit out of him. Let’s hope her twitchy,
dusty ass, blasphemous dope fiend hands can get it done. Sabrina’s got her
anti-pancake pancake syrup but gets distracted by doughy morsels. Swooped! Libby tries taunting her with a floor cake except Sabrina, full
of grace, is un-phased. Let’s party, uh- oh. Where is the magic sauce? – Oh, these taste awful. – [Narrator] It must be her syrup, except it ain’t. Libby was grossed out by a blueberry. Libby’s a stuck up asshole. Sabrina goes full pookie,
the teenage witch. Based out her damn skull
off that crepe rock, moving through the room
like the Tasmanian devil of slamming them fluffy thangs. Sabrina comes home looking ready to take down Indiana Jones, thicker than a molasses milkshake. Bootleg Doogie Howser
puts her on a crash diet and pops her Missy Elliot get up. Problem solved, except not at all. She’s still a dang junkie. Zelda locks Sabrina in
her room to go cold-turkey while she rescues Hilda from a B plot. It’ll build character. – I don’t want character, I want pancakes. – [Narrator] I hear that, sister. Sabrina does a fun “the clock is crawling as I tidy up to take my mind off pancakes” montage because people kicking heroin are known for their
meticulous living spaces. Sabrina has a dope dream
from her griddle sweats and everyone’s bopping around singing about, you guess it, pancakes. – (singing) The answer to the
riddle is cakes on the griddle – [Narrator] A song bad
enough to make you want to trade in those pancakes
for a hit of rock cocaine. Sabrina wakes up from
her musical nightmare to find Salem in a stack of dough boys and a syrup lady who wants
to take her someplace nice. Sure, why not, let’s party. The sticky stranger whisks Sabrina away to an international pancake house, that’s basically a crack
house for breakfast where she can fiend out
with her fellow cake heads. Sabrina has a hasty moment of clarity. She abandoned her friends
and family for pancakes. Syrup lady says hush, who needs those losers when you’ve got pancakes? Do it, Sabrina. Eat them cakes, girl. Eat them cakes, eat them cakes girl. Eat them cakes, eat them cakes, girl. Eat them cakes, girl,
eat them cakes, girl. (shrieks) Sabrina breakfast-quiem
for a dream is over, but was it enough? You want a taste, little lady? Well, do ya? Of course she does, they’re pancakes. They’re delicious and she
will always be jonesing. She has to take it one day at a time, like any serious addiction that involves hallucinating a syrup lady. But we’re not done. There’s a credit scene
where Sabrina yells at Salem in a bar to seek treatment, because a crippling catnip addiction is ruining his life. Hilarious for anyone whose ever had to have a similar conversation. So what did we learn today? Inescapable, self destructive, hereditary chemical dependence is very much a laughing matter, complete with musical numbers and field trips with new friends. If you ignore your elders about drugs, as teens will do, no problem. Kick that monkey by cleaning
your room and taking a nap, and witch or mortal, pancakes are never this addictive, but you can’t smoke crack
Friday nights on ABC. See you next time, on A Very Special Episode. (bell chime jingle)

53 thoughts on “The ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ When She Became A Crackhead For Pancakes

  1. I just remember changing to this when she walked in fat then pulled out a pancake. I switched to waffles for a brief period.

  2. I was HO-ping she became an actual crack-Head-du who likes se-pan-kake. French Accent comment. Ok ok! You scroll- ALLEZ ALLEZ!

  3. I got addicted to pancakes during my first pregnancy. I would make them at least twice a day, eventually I switched to the frozen kind so I can have them in the middle of the night without making a mess!

  4. I fucking hated this show, idk if it was the actress or the character of sabrina or the fact that they looked way too old for high school.

  5. Wait… if she conjured up the pancakes the first time why didn’t she just do it again 🤨

    Punk ass blasphemous dope fiend bitch!

  6. "Pancakes must be street for crack." At least according to that Christian lady on Family Guy. LOL. Sabrina should've just had french toast or waffles if she has a genetic disposition to pancake addiction. 🥞😆😆

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