Review – Forrest Becomes a Racist

Review – Forrest Becomes a Racist


– OOH, OUR NEXT REVIEW CAME
TO US IN AN EMAIL… – MM-HMM.
– FROM “TOOMUCHTANYA2000,” OH, IN MADISON, WISCONSIN. – RACISM–A DISLIKE OF OTHERS
JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE DIFFERENT. WELL, I GUESS
I’M GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE MY OUTLOOK AND BECOME…
A RACIST. FOR YOU, MY BLACK FRIEND. BEFORE I EMBARKED ON MY JOURNEY
OF RACE-BASED HATRED, I PAID A VISIT
TO MY BLACK NEIGHBOR, GENE, TO BANK SOME GOODWILL
FOR THE DIFFICULT TIMES AHEAD. I HAD ALWAYS THOUGHT OF
BLACK PEOPLE SIMPLY AS PEOPLE AND, AS A CONSEQUENCE, DIDN’T THINK MUCH WAS SPECIAL
ABOUT THEM. BUT NOW I WOULD NEED
TO DISCOVER WHAT IT WAS THAT MADE THEM DIFFERENT AND HOW I COULD TURN THAT
INTO FEELINGS OF RED-HOT RACISM. AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,
I STUMBLED UPON A FAMILY REUNION OF BLACK PEOPLE, WHICH WAS BEING
HELD IN A PUBLIC PARK WHERE ANYONE COULD JOIN THEM. HI, THERE.
[chuckles] – YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO’S RUDE?
CAMERON. SHE SAYS TO ME, “OH, YOU NEED
TO DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR.” – [scoffs]
UNBELIEVABLE. OVER THE COURSE OF A PRODUCTIVE
AND ENJOYABLE AFTERNOON OF INTERRACIAL EAVESDROPPING, I LEARNED AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF UNFLATTERING THINGS
ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE. – WHO INVITED YOU, AGAIN? – THEY INSULT YOUR HAIR
WHEN THEIR WEAVE LOOKS TERRIBLE, THEY SHOOT OFF THEIR MOUTHS
TO DERRICK ABOUT THINGS
THAT DON’T CONCERN THEM, AND, MOST INFURIATINGLY, THEY WON’T STOP TALKING
ABOUT THEIR CATERING BUSINESS. WAS IT DIFFICULT
TO EARN THEIR TRUST? SO LONG, EVERYBODY! I NOW HAD THE AMMUNITION
TO GET SERIOUSLY RACIST. HEY, SHUT UP ABOUT
YOUR CATERING BUSINESS! LET’S GO, LET’S GO, LET’S GO! ACTUALLY, CAN YOU MAKE THAT
A DIET COKE, PLEASE? I AM WATCHING MY CALORIES, AND I KNOW YOU’RE GONNA RUN
ALONG AND TELL THAT TO DERRICK. – DERRICK? – I KNOW A FEW THINGS. OH, GOOD.
YES, THANK YOU. RIGHT NEXT
TO THE OTHER ONE, PLEASE. IT WAS NECESSARY
FOR MY NEW RACIST ATTITUDE TO PERVADE MY ENTIRE LIFE, INCLUDING AT THE WORKPLACE. ATTENTION, EVERYONE!
NEW POLICY. THIS WILL BE STRICTLY,
HARSHLY, ENFORCED. [toilet flushes]
BUT THESE NEW SYSTEMS WERE DIFFICULT TO MAINTAIN
IN THE MODERN WORLD. I WAS, FOR INSTANCE, NOT ABLE
TO EXPLAIN WHERE WHITE WOMEN WERE SUPPOSED TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM. – [sighs] – MY EFFORTS WERE CAUSING
MORE CONFUSION THAN OPPRESSION. – WAIT. THIS ONE IS
THE COLOR COPIER? ISN’T IT THAT ONE? – THIS IS THE COLORED COPIER. THAT ONE IS THE COLOR COPIER. – SO THIS IS
THE BLACK-AND-WHITE COPIER? – THAT’S THE WHITE COPIER. – LOOK, I JUST NEED TO MAKE
A COLOR COPY. – WELL, GO AHEAD AND DO IT. JUST DON’T USE
THE COLORED COPIER. THE WHITE COPIER
IS BETTER ANYWAY. IT MAKES COLORED COPIES. I DON’T KNOW WHAT I CAN POSSIBLY
DO TO MAKE THIS MORE CLEAR. – YOU COULD WRITE “PEOPLE”
UNDER THEM. – HOWEVER, A VISIT FROM OUR HEAD
OF HUMAN RESOURCES LET ME KNOW I WAS ON
THE RIGHT TRACK. HELLO. – YOU’VE PUT THE ENTIRE COMPANY IN AN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT
SITUATION. YOU HAVE TO STOP THIS. – SHARON, WHAT RACE ARE YOU? – YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED
TO ASK PEOPLE THAT. – WELL, IF YOU DON’T TELL ME,
I’LL JUST ASSUME THE WORST. I WAS FORCED TO ATTEND
A SENSITIVITY TRAINING CLASS, WHERE I WAS SUBJECTED
TO A GLORIOUS GOLD MINE OR RACIALLY CHARGED
HATE LANGUAGE. – YES? – HOW WOULD YOU USE [bleep]
IN A SENTENCE? – THE POINT IS, YOU’RE NOT GONNA
USE IT IN A SENTENCE. IF YOU’RE UNCERTAIN
AS TO ANYTHING YOU’RE SAYING, WHETHER IT’S GONNA
BE OFFENSIVE OR NOT… – HEY, HOW MANY [bleep] DOES IT
TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? – I DON’T KNOW. – I DON’T KNOW EITHER. THEY’RE ALL TOO BUSY [bleep]
THEIR COUSINS. – NO ONE HERE SHOULD BE MADE
TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE… – [chuckles]
– [whispering] THANK YOU. – EH.
– [normal voice] I’M FORREST. I TOO AM INTOLERANT OF THOSE
WHO DON’T SHARE MY RACE. MY NEW FRIEND WAS CALLED JIM,
AND HE WAS A TRUE CONNOISSEUR OF RACE-BASED HATRED, AS I LEARNED WHEN HE INVITED ME
BACK TO HIS LAIR. – EVER NOTICE THE LOWER
THAT THEY WEAR THEIR PANTS, THE LOWER
OUR PROPERTY VALUES GO. – HMM.
– YOU GOT A PRESIDENT THAT WANTS TO TAKE AWAY
OUR GUNS? YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WANTED
TO TAKE AWAY THE GUNS? – WHO’S THAT?
– HITLER! – YEAH.
WELL, YOU LIKE HITLER. – YEAH, YEAH, I-I LIKE THE WAY
HE STARTED OUT. – OKAY.
– BUT WHEN HE STARTED WITH THE OBAMA STUFF, THAT’S WHEN IT ALL WENT DOWNHILL.
– YEP. – YOU’RE LIKE ME.
– MM-HMM. – WHAT DO WE HAVE IN COMMON? WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON, SEE?
– WE ARE WHITE. – WHY DO THEY SAY BLACK PEOPLE ARE BETTER DANCERS
THAN WHITE PEOPLE? – I’M A GREAT DANCER! AFTER MEETING JIM,
I REALIZED I HAD TO TAKE MY RACISM UP A NOTCH.
– HOW ABOUT THAT? [indistinct chatter]
– AT LAST, I WAS PREPARED TO INFECT EVERYONE AROUND ME
WITH A VIRULENT STRAIN OF THE SOCIAL DISEASE
THAT IS RACISM. WHY IS THERE A BLACK MAN
AND HIS BABY MAMA IN MY HOME? HMM?
– SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS. [laughter] – WELL, NO, I DON’T THINK
THAT WILL BE NECESSARY, BUT I AM GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU
TO LEAVE. [laughter]
– YEAH, RIGHT. – BUT BEING A CONVINCING RACIST WAS HARDER
THAN I’D EVER IMAGINED. I’M SORRY. I’M AFRAID
I’M QUITE SERIOUS, OKAY? WE CANNOT HAVE YOU HERE MIXING
WITH OUR WHITE WOMEN! [laughter] EXCUSE ME!
THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT WHAT THE BLACK MAN
IS DOING TO OUR COUNTRY! I DON’T KNOW WHAT EVERYBODY
IS LAUGHING ABOUT, BUT I AM TIRED OF YOU BLACK
PEOPLE BRINGING DOWN OUR PROPERTY VALUES
AND OUR SCHOOLS AND NEVER SHUTTING UP
ABOUT YOUR CATERING BUSINESS! TO HAVE THE DESIRED EFFECT,
I WOULD NEED TO CROSS A BOUNDARY
WHICH MUST NEVER BE CROSSED AND SAY
WHAT MUST NEVER BE SAID. LAUGH IT UP, YOU [bleep]! [woman laughing] [woman stops laughing] I AM A RACIST NOW.
DEAL WITH IT. – [sighs]
– OKAY, SO YOU’VE BECOME AN OVERT RACIST
ALL OF A SUDDEN? – WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “OVERT RACIST”? – I MEAN, THERE’S ALWAYS BEEN
SOME RACISM IN YOU, BUT I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU
PROUD OF IT. – HOW HAS THERE BEEN RACISM IN–
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? – OKAY, DO YOU REMEMBER
LAST YEAR, YOU ASKED EVERYONE
ON THE BLOCK BUT ME TO KEEP YOUR KEY
WHILE YOU WENT ON VACATION? – YEAH, WELL,
YOU WERE NOT HOME. – WE–WE WERE HOME.
– YOU WERE HOME? – WE WERE HOME. – AND YOU’VE ASKED ME
THREE DIFFERENT TIMES IF I WENT TO COLLEGE
ON A BASKETBALL SCHOLARSHIP. – YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU? – NO.
– OH, MY GOD. – YOU DIDN’T GO TO COLLEGE
ON A BASKETBALL SCHOLARSHIP? – I’M 5’7″, FORREST.
– LOOK AT HIM. NO. – AND WHEN PRESIDENT OBAMA
WAS ELECTED, YOU CONGRATULATED ME. – WELL, YOU VOTED
FOR HIM, RIGHT? – [scoffs]
– I WAS SURPRISED TO FIND THAT, LIKE BRUCE WILLIS
INTHE SIXTH SENSE–SPOILER ALERT– I HAD BEEN A RACIST ALL ALONG. GENE, IT SEEMS, HAD LEARNED
TO LIVE WITH THAT FACT LONG AGO, BUT HE DID GIVE ME ONE
VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF ADVICE. – NEVER, EVER–
AND I DO RECOMMEND THIS– GO AROUND
CALLING ANYBODY THAT. – OH, THAT–YEAH, I’LL GET RID
OF THAT ONE, ‘CAUSE THAT SEEMED
TO UPSET EVERYONE. – YEAH. – UP TILL NOW, IT’S BEEN
A BLESSING TO BE IN DENIAL ABOUT MY RACIST FEELINGS. ACKNOWLEDGING THEM HAS MADE ME
FEEL AS STUPID AND DISGUSTING AS THAT MORON
WITH THE NAZI FLAG. BEING A RACIST–
HALF A STAR. – UGH, FORREST.
– YES? – NO, IT SHOULD GET NO STARS. – WELL, WE DON’T DO ZERO STARS. – BUT IT’S RACISM. – YES, BUT HALF A STAR
IS OUR LOWEST RATING. WE HAD A LONG MEETING ABOUT IT. THIS IS NOT THE FIRST.
– WHO KNEW? [laughs] – I DIDN’T.
– YEAH, WELL, YOU MIGHT HAVE. – YEAH.

24 thoughts on “Review – Forrest Becomes a Racist

  1. Can a person go anywhere without hearing this bullshit? No, white people are not inherently racist, liberalism supports and encourages actual racism by putting forth the idea that people of color are incapable of being as free and happy as white people because the majority of America has something against everyone who doesn't look like them. In reality the majority of America does not hate black or brown people, society is not keeping the black man down, our last president was a black man and if a black man can be elected to the highest office in American government I think that that proves that black people are not being held down the way liberals try to make black people believe that they are.

  2. I had a white laptop once, but it started running slow so I painted it black because everyone knows that black's faster.Sadly, once it was black it just didn't work anymore.

  3. The Review was such a great show. The subtleties in everyone's acting, the nuances of the dialogue, it was all top tier comedy. I'm so sad it was cancelled. I literally LOVED every episode.

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