*Intense smack* Cake What does it mean? What does it stand for?! No-one knows! Throughout the ages, we’ve asked
ourself these questions. *Intense glare* We’ve seen cave paintings of cake,
on the walls back in the early eras of BC: Before Cake. ‘But how?’ you ask yourselves, ‘How… can there be cake before cake?!’ Well,
We’re here to answer that question. We? You asked? Oh, you mean weEE…? *Mark uses his magic to summon two mysterious men* Yes, it’s true. We’re the Three Cake-gmmn-sketeers. And we are here to conquer cake, once and for all! M: Introducing Tyler! T: [smack] M:The Ethan-Sheid And Ethan! The Tyler-Sheid *Tyler laughs* E: *murmurs to Mark*…noo…noo M: [snorts] Together they make Tythan E & T: No!!! [Mark and Tyler laugh]
E: No!!! M: Tyler “The Fuckboi” Sheid M: and then Ethan…. …. *Tyler laughs* M: “The Manly Man” *laughter* M: Nestor E: This is the best joke you’ve ever told. M: Thank you. And then me amongst these titans of cake M: If you flip around the words of Mark, what does it spell? M:..Kram M: As in “Cram” *laughs* M: And here we stand! Making cake. M: Are you ready Fuckboi #1? *Tyler wheezes and laughs* M: Are you ready, Manly Man? M: We have… cake ingredients M: You may not believe it, but in this form inert ingredients shall combine… M: …to become cake but we know not the recipe before it was lost back in the times before cake.. .*Ethan shakes head of disapproval* M: …but we will redeem ourselves… M: …and we will bring back the recipe from the precipice of destruction… M: …through only our sheer wits and our sheer spoons we shall get this done… M: …and we shall do this done and… M: …to the end of our days we shall do it to the done-ness of that it which is done! *Tyler belches* M: Let’s begin shall we? M: So here’s the rules! M: We have the ingredients here, but we know not the recipe. M: We have to use our wits and our minds and spoons and our buckets… M: …to be able to make the perfect cake that we want to make… M: …then we put it in this and then we put it in that… M: …and then for an unknown number of time we let it cook. M: So how shall we do this? With our minds and our guts. M: Some of this M: Three! Two! One! E: Do we have a timer? M: GOOOOO!!! E: Okay. M: Pure fuckin– oh God, Pure fucking luck at this point. E:1 cup? *PBBT* 1 cup.
1 cup. 1 cup. *Tyler agrees* 1 cup. 1 cup. *Tyler agrees* M: The first step is to whisk the eggs into a nice fluffy batt- I don’t need the yolks E: (laughing) Where are you going? M: I just realized! Isn’t that right? M: I have no idea If that’s right, but something tells me: I don’t need the fucking yolks. oh mah gawd M: Why don’t I need–? Why am I believing this? Ah I’ve watched so much ‘Chopped’. M:doooooo good enough
Ohhhh that’s good enough. oh that’s too much Ohhhh that’s good enough. oh that’s too much M: Be freeeeee E: We don’t have any utensils to cut things with. So you just gotta have to take a little bit
M: How much time we got? E: Oh! M:Oh my Gaaw! Off-camera: You’re about halfway through. M: Oh My God! This butter is not gonna… M: …mix. T: It’s not soft at all. M: It’s not gonna mix! *Squeezes with the most manliest of powers* M: MELT! WITH THE POWER OF MY HEAT! E: *laughter* Melt my- heat. M: (groaning and moaning) T: That butter is not gonna melt.
M: No, it’s okay. How much time? Off-camera: 45 seconds M: Hell yeah, totally enough. You didn’t get milk. You stupid loser. Do we need water? *Ethan laughing* M: I think maybe? M: I’m putting some in! M: I forget! M: That seems like a logical component. Oh you copier!
E: Excuse me. I know the recipe for cake! E: I just know that the water is the last step E: Add a little bit of flour its a little too soupy.
Off-camera: Ten seconds!
M: Oh, The final mix! 5… 4… M: Gotta put a lil’ more sugar 3… M: Oh shit no too much sugar M:All right PUT YOUR SPOONS DOWN! Spoons down! (s)Poon T: *laughs* I have butter stuck to my hand M: I think we’ve cracked the code gentlemen, I think we’ve cracked the code. Oh, yes? M: Yes, good. E: Yours is a good consistency dude. M: Thank you. T: My butter is so chunky. M: So you can’t mix anymo– *Ethan starts mixing* M: Jus– doo… You cannot mix anymore. What you have goes in your pan. So now that we got our ”Cake mixes”, we need to put it on our pans. Shall we? Get that nice and oh yeah Oh, that’s a good con-sause-tency. Ungh! [Mark moans] I think my… Whoa… You’ve got dumplings in yours! T: The butter wouldn’t melt! M: Oh mine did fine, thank you. Wow yours is so smooth This is so smooth Yours is not at all smooth M: Mine–Mine’s juuuust right. Now let’s just put it in. Off-Camera: I’m gonna come over for a sweet action shot That’s my slogan T: Um… we didn’t move the racks M: I think it’ll fit. Ya it’ll fit. Why does that smell… Toxic? All right, I’m just gonna put mine in you guys push mine back and fit it. All right. So now we wait Off-Camera:what do you do when you wait? wait- wait- wait- the rep- What- what- Graham wa- wa- Gram Who- cap- who- Bus- Bus- and mi- and ma- Alright I– M: OH! I just got a psychic vision! The cake is alive, and it’s time for me to pull mine. I think. Maybe. I’m guessing. Ah yes. That doesn’t even look remotely done E: No M: Ethan’s is wonderful. You know what I’m gonna pull mine. Umm… As per usual with these competitions, They’re judged on the consistency of it, the overall presentation, and the taste. So the cake-y nature, how it looks, and how it tastes M: Just going by how it looks- T: I win E: You have a– You have a face. It’s a man screaming like he’s on fire M: It’s alive! Yeah, so the first challenge is gonna be getting it out of goddamn pans so we just see the– oh boy E: Fine, we’re fine. M: So we’ve got… …10 minutes-ish to decorate these cakes in whatever way we see fit and… …that time starts in 3 2 1… a-go! M: Just gonna scrape this off. S’cuse me, may I have the trash? Oh boy. E: Not doing too hot? M: I’m doing great. No. I’m just oh boy like you know [oh] E: You can fill it with something M: Hmmmmm, maybe So lard-like So what I’m trying to do is I’m trying to salvage The actually cooked part of the cake. Oh yo– you losers you left the buttercream to me. M: Everything can be made that it with buttercream. E: Don’t worry. M: So what I’m trying to do is I’m trying to uh… …enhance the uh, the natural flavor of my doughnut now, um… …with as much buttercream as humanly possible. Because if I know these judges, they love themselves some buttercream, It’s their favorite…? *Mark looks offscreen to confirm that buttercream is in fact the Judges’ favourite* *Confirmation confirmed* M: Yeeeah it’s their favorite. And no I’m not gonna pander with my cake I’m gonna make the cake that I would want to eat and therefore I am… Superior? Morally? Something like that? Som– Some bullshit like that. *Ethan does a thing* Oh-ho-ho– M: Aaaahhh my neck! E: This is… the colour. Didn’t… realize that E: this is so relaxing M: That’s why I love these videos. These are just very calm… very no-pressure *Mark moans & groans attempting to be sexy* E: How much time do we have? *Mark continues groaning* Off-Screen: Almost three (3) minutes M: Oh… oh yeah… Time? OF: Ten Seconds. M: Ten seconds *Here we see, a wild Ethan, rolling his face in sprinkles, trying to get the fellow opponents attention* T: There is no countdown E: Does it look good? M: I expected a countdown. E: Does it look like an instagram star? M: No… T: There was chocolate? T: this whole- *Engage Angry Tylor* T: FUCK! M: What? OF: I just saw your cake… M: Oh you haven’t seen it OF: I haven’t seen it, I haven’t stood up yet *Mark presents his creation which is responded by laughter* OF: I was gonna say from my angle- E: Pander it! *Mark and Ethan commence laughter* T: I was trying to make brown and I forgot there was chocolate fudge icing. E: Ha ha ha M: I gotta say yours has got style though OF: I do really like Tyler’s M: You got– you take a brave choice E: Very 90s OF: He’s the only person who dyed anything M: Yeah, true. I didn’t want to I don’t want to take the time. E: That’s a really good color M: It’s uh… the consistency of the cake itself… It is the overall taste, and its presentation. I gotta say guys l got a whole LOAD of presentation here *Bursts into giggles* E: It’s just a dick in a gaping asshole (continues to laugh). T: I would say it’s a patriotic glory hole. *Mark has his funny bone tickled* T: l think- I think that’s um Uncle Sam right in the middle, you know the Patriotic Glory Hole! M: That’s what I’m going to call this one: ‘The Patriotic Glory Hole’! E: So my cake turned out… I mean from what it looks like pretty well baked And then uh it was Amy’s birthday recently, so I was like ‘Hey, why not make Amy a birthday cake?’ Did you have a birthday cake? Amy: I did not have a birthday cake E: Well you do now. M: Pandering. E: Pandering! You know Amy loves America Mark and Amy both laugh T: Mine is: ‘Attack of the Worms’ T:So -so instead of of taking on the the burden of the be gaping butter filled holes that I had I let the worms go ahead and eat away at the butter and come through and attack the planet M: That sentence was so sexual. I am turned on. Anyway go on about your gaping holes and coming through T: Worms are coming out of the cake. There’s mud holes and grass and plenty of animals around. M: Cool K: What was that? M: What was that? I missed it? I wasn’t looking K: I saw something *SLOW MO GLEEK* E: It’s like a weird web shot off his mouth!! M: DID IT GET ON MY CAKE?!? A: What was that? K: I HAVE TO EAT THAT! M: WHAT WAS-WHAT DID YOU DO? A: THE FUCK? M: I didn’t see it K: I’ve NEVER seen anything like that in my life! K: Thank god we got that in 4k! *Everybody Laughs* T: I’ve been wanting to figure out how to do that my entire life, and I accidentally do it all the time it’s called E: Gleeking? T: Yes! E: You gleeked on tape! M: What is gleeking? E: It’s how you like spit through your teeth T: No, you don’t spit through your teeth it’s squeezing your salivary glands to where it just shoots the saliva M: Why did you try to do that? T: I DIDN’T TRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT M: You mouth-jaculated all over my dick! Why’d you do that? K: I have to eat that one… T: I’ve never done that in my life! M: Well why today?! M: Why today on my cake? T: I didn’t try to do it! it happened somehow and i don’t know how i did it! I’m really sorry; l felt so bad, but it was really funny! M: Well, let’s get to judging Ladies? T: I’m so sorry! T: I can’t say it on this half l dont think it reached all the way M: Yeah, I think you’re safe on the Southern Edge here M: I made the best out of a bad situation right A: That’s the thing like I can see like it kind of leaking in there M: Ignore– ignore that side this side, we’re away from the spit Down here you got it. You’re gonna have to taste that you’re gonna have to taste this *Amy and Ethan Laughs* You’re gonna have to taste this A: I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN! M: Yeah just take that, that’d probably be for the best Well, *Laughs* its weird *More Laughter* K: There’s that salt l was worried about A: Yeah I don’t know how to describe that. K: Soapy? M: What? *Laughs* A: Kind of. K: I don’t want to eat this one! M: Just in the southern hemisphere. Just like this section here E: If you have to throw up, just throw up right in the hole. A: Did you hear the crunch? M: Well you chose to get the burnt lip of it! A: Oh l chose that? M: I told you in the middle here M: The middle K: It’s a really smart frosting-to-cake ratio can barely taste the cake A: I taste worm, which is delicious. E: Does the cake taste like cake? K: Yes. M: Damn A: Your wheel is crunchy E: This is the funniest thing. We’re making cake and the one that wins doesn’t even taste remotely like cake. M: Oh mine is delicious Mine is amazing. Clean inside E: Mine’s not bad *immediate regret* K: RIGHT? THERE’S THAT COMPETING FLAVOR THAT YOU CAN’T MAKE E: That is a good frosting to cake ratio *Everyone Laughs* M: Okay OF: We’ve made a decision M: Good A: We’ve made four decisions. M: Oh four? E: Four decisions? A: All the decisions K: Uh for the cake batter, for the actual cake, we decided no one. M: Oh. E: *pure defeat* A: No one. None of them are very cakey. E: What? A: No. M: Okay. M: Mine’s kind of cakey! A: Cake-cake like? K: We went with Tyler right? A: Yeah K: Yeah, just cause it had the least offensive Flavor. M: OH D: K: Which is surprising! A: Yeah T: Considering the butter holes. K: Well no ’cause I think that– E: a little sad, a little heartbroken T: I had the proportions right the butter just didn’t– K: You burnt it all, so you couldn’t really A: Taste the bad. K: Yeah A: The burnt K: Yeah A: Decoration? K: Yeah A: We did Mark?
M: YAY! K: Yeah. A: That’s the one M: Thanks! Was it the glory hole or the patriotism? A: Both ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) A: The whole thing K: Yeah, I think you still would take the category without the dick oh M: Oh– M: All right A: The over all winner is Ethan! E: YAAAY! Why? K: You do not excel at particularly anything but you were solid K: Across the board. If I had to keep eating one I feel like you’re the least likely to kill me M: Okay that’s fair Yes, we each won a category I think that’s good so we can take them home and if you guys want to make cake at home Please for the love God look at the recipe. Don’t undercook it. You can die. We’re probably gonna die now. They all ate mine, and Either way thank everybody so much for watching send us pictures of your cakes and as always we will see you in the next video Buh-Bye!! Everyone else: Bye!! Bye!!